Week 4: Reaching Out
This week's 'new' was soft, in the sense that it was an action I took in relationship, and not an external event. Although it may not appear as exciting, addressing these inner workings cuts a direct path to the core of how we function in this world. Our external circumstances in every sphere always reflect, in obvious but also very subtle ways, our inner patterns, imprints, or - if we are attuned enough - blueprint.
To me, pausing in the middle of an ingrained reaction, reorienting to the present, differentiating now from the past - where the imprint comes from, finding support, and choosing to feel and act from a resourced place points in the direction of the essence of life. There is no external event or object that could compare to the extraordinary nature of internally choosing whatever is needed in the moment - whether it be pause, contact, relationship, space - to affirm love and life. And it is this act of choosing blueprint over our familiar imprints that reorganizes life - all subtle and explicit aspects of it.
I have the tendency to self-isolate sometimes, and this week I reached out.
I was going to leave a 5-module, year-long course I love, because I felt disconnected to the two teachers and other participants (we had a cancelled module in December due to the fires). That disconnect, in conjunction with the financial constraints of not having a job to pay for the remaining modules, felt too much for me to take on.
Very close to sending a pulling-out email to the course facilitator, I spoke to a good friend, also in the course, and let her know. She encouraged me to speak to our teachers, and when she said it, I knew that was the right course of action.
I say this briefly and casually, but it was hard for me: I emailed them with my frustrations and left it open, saying that I would like to work out a solution if possible, in spite of not knowing what that would be.
Ironically, this course I am taking is about imprint, blueprint, and the space between. This material and its embodiment speak to the heart of my interests in this world, my life work, and my spirituality. I think more than wanting to pull out, which I really didn't want at all, I wanted to leave to make a statement about how challenging everything was for me, especially financially. What I really needed was to be heard and seen, and withdrawing has, in the past, been my go-to way of doing that. The 'reasoning' of my reaction, springing from behavior I had to resort to as a child in order to be taken seriously, was that in going away, I would be acknowledged.
I want to embody a more adult, a more loving, a more supportive way of meeting the basic human need to be seen and valued.
My teachers responded immediately in the most reciprocal of ways, suggesting a video call with me to talk about what I was going through.
On the call, which was quite a chunk of time for two very in-demand people, they were so available in their presence, and gave me such a supportive and safe container, that I felt myself go from rigid to the heart of the heart of my emotions within moments. They modeled compassion and extension to someone who needed something, and it was a deep repair for me. Their genuine care, complete presence, willingness to hear, and desire to see me grow repaired a way of addressing conflict that my younger self did not have in her toolbox of relational skills. They met me in my reaching out.
The squirrel is so cute, I know, but this is what this post is really about:
The hand interrupting the domino effect is the pause, the recognition of acting in an imprint, and choosing to stop, recognize my younger self yearning to be seen by playing out this behavior, and reorient to the present. When the implicit becomes explicit, we have choice. In other words, when we explicitly recognize a pattern mechanizing, we have the choice to differentiate the past from the present and respond in another way.
In this situation, it was reaching out when I needed help, despite not wanting to. That unwant was out of isolation, out of a belief that other people aren't interested in being there when the rubber meets the road. In other life circumstances, the same principle of releasing imprint has reflected in not reaching out, despite wanting to. That conditioned want was out of a longing for connection misplaced upon someone unable to provide it, and distorted as a needing for that person to be different.
The want to change, to become an unfettered being, must exceed the conditioned 'want,' which is always based upon fear and lack of resource, in order to move back to blueprint.
They may appear small, but the tiny steps to release imprint reorganize the energetic fields of our entire lives, and allow us to see a different, resourced, attuned, reality. One uncolored by our limited beliefs. This work is the heart and soul of transformation, of this project, and of my life. And support goes a long, long way...may you always have the strength to reach out for it, from appropriate and evolved people, when you need it. And if you don't, may it always find you.